If you haven’t taken the Superpower Habits course yet, this is a good time. It will ground you in methods that help implement new ideas, new plans, the new you. You’re a member so, it’s included. I’m so happy to offer all my courses to members at no additional charge. (You can put your money in your piggy bank!)
SURRENDERING YOURSELF
Okay, first let’s review the nasty. “Negative” is never going to go away. It’s a healthy part of your mind when it’s not monopolizing and hogging all the space. I don’t care how many positive thoughts you chant, buy, read, imagine, or if you spend half your day meditating – negative powers in our life are what makes the positive real. They are natural and if we did not have them, we’d be zombie flower children walking over cliffs.
So, optimal planning, is to not to waste too much times trying to rid yourself of the negative thoughts. Focus on the positive changes we can make. Like the list below.
THE ART OF ASKING FOR HELP OR DELEGATING
Okay, we’ve pounced on the importance of lists and dreaming about what will our lives look like in a year and in five years. We’ve covered how to relax while learning, how time management works. But how do we make it happen?
Remember, nothing in this life happens overnight. You’ve probably seen a million adds for “90-day or less transformation courses”, but they are in my opinion not forthright as a “transformation.” 90 days usually bring an awareness, a pre-success kick start, but that’s it. In 90 days your habits begin to change, but the moment you let go of the rope, you’re right back where you begin. And as the self-help industry suggests, there’s another 90-day transformation course you can pay for again! Perhaps you can understand why I don’t care for them.
If you want this course to work, you will need to review it again in 90 days. And parts of the course, like this lesson, should be reviewed every week as part of your tasks. It’s a 5-minute read of the below suggestions that will remind you how to start forming the new you.
As well, you will need to continue the maintenance at the end of this course and a weekly and monthly goal chart will help you immensely. You will find that download in the eBook Section for members or just follow this link. xxxxx for your printable goal charts.
ASK AND DELEGATE
As we spoke about earlier, consolidation of lists is important, and now you will see the value of having the lists together when you start delegating.
Successful prioritization means being able to ask for help. If you will never ask for help in your life, you will never prioritize you or anything around you at optimal speed.
A series of studies conducted at Stanford University shows the old adage, “Ask and you shall receive,” works. But the super cool part is that people want to be asked. Professor Francis Flynn, associate professor of organizational behavior at Stanford GSB, involved in the research says, “People are more willing to help than you think…”
And further research led by Daniel Newark, shows that if someone turns you down the first time, they are more likely to say yes the second. So, ask, ask, and ask again.
Also, you must learn how to ask. Being clear about the project and what’s needed, being confident and honest as to how long it takes, and brave enough to realize you have the right to ask.
If you have children or a partner, you’ve probably experienced this very scenario at home.
“Hey would you like to help me clean the garage?” No!
“Hey, I’d really appreciate your help in cleaning the garage I estimate I’ll need you about an hour or less. We could grab ice-cream at the grocery store tomorrow.” Well, okay, I’ll help.
Most leaders I know understand that asking for help is a part of success. Our businesses, our employees, our clients, our families—they all rely on us to pull through each year. The challenges on our head between office and home are huge. But our success relies on how well we delegate, ask for help, set examples and work hard ourselves. So, if you don’t want to be stuck behind the workload going nowhere, then learn to be a leader.
That scares some, they don’t’ want to be leaders. That’s okay, you don’t have to lead to be a leader. And every living human being is a leader of himself is nothing else. So, chose to lead correctly. It’s about knowing where the puzzle fits, and how to work with others to get things done.
Also, It’s not a matter of bullying anyone to help, it’s a matter of you managing the project, the family, the this or that, and you are not living on a desert isle. There are always others involved that by rights should contribute.
This applies to asking a friend to help kick start a business idea or a personal project. Help you with your garage, teach you something, and so on. It’s just a friend who might owe you nothing or one you’ve helped in the past that will reciprocate.
RETHINK THE IDEA OF ALTRUISM
Most women gravitate towards the idea that selfless is a good thing. Indeed, there are tons of benefits in altruism. There is nothing more rewarding than altruism, kindness, and so on, but nothing in the true meaning of “selfless acts” includes limiting our personal needs, desires, or sacrifices that hurt us OR negatively impact our loved ones.
The myth that it’s a woman’s job to please others, that women are the givers and comforters has truth, but be careful how far it’s taken as men are also the givers and comforters and naturally men don’t deny it.
HABIT CHANGE CAN FEEL LONEY AT FIRST
Some of us also experienced an emotional connection to drama and abuse. We crave what we are used to. Habits are amazing things. When you’re used to working all the time, and you slow down, you might feel a surge of guilt, lonely, lost, empty! It’s very hard to relax.
This is where the mantra meditation in Step 1 comes in handy. When you find yourself fixated on that feeling you don’t want to feel, take a few minutes, and relax. Talk to yourself about the importance of you. It takes time, so don’t expect an overnight transformation.
Change will come, you have to stick to the plan and work through the months that might feel confusing. It takes a good year to bring things together for the die-hard doer. But for most, 30 days gives you hope, 90 turns the tables to new light at the end of the tunnel, and six months is a BA in your new habit. Now to practice the degree is another 6 months. A year is the plan. Don’t expect to graduate before 9-12 months has passed.
HOW DO OTHERS FEEL AROUND THE OVER DOER?
The one thing I’ve learned about the over-doer is that they usually do not change their ways when family or friends beat them down with words of wisdom, but when they begin to understand how the other side feels — the side that destroys the original goal, they might pause a moment and say, “That’s not my intention.” So, below are examples of how wanting to do the right things can be taken too far. And a person who does not prioritize can become so obsessed with doing they never stop even when they can.
I know many people in relationships that focus on pleasing their romantic partners to the brink of doing so much, they lose track of who they are and that their caring is not showing love it’s controlling.
When one partner gives too much, they aren’t building a strong foundation. Where’s the balance when one becomes a martyr. Any good healthy partner will tire from seeing the one they love, give too much. They begin to see their giving partner as a liability, one with low confidence, exhausting to watch. You might even notice your partner begins to treat you with less respect, sarcasm, or they pull away allowing you to do everything.
It’s not that hard to train those closest to you how to sit back while you do all the extra work. Then a few years down the road, you’re looking back and blaming. Or you’re sitting with friends and complaining about how your partner doesn’t do anything.
There was a woman who loved her husband so much that she lost sight of a reason they were together. Every weekend when they had their big dinner with family, friends, or sometimes just the two of them, she’d clean her kitchen to the bitter end while everyone else was enjoying the remainder of the evening.
Her husband would say, “Leave the dishes let’s enjoy the evening then tidy up.” He could have been dazed bloody lyinng on the couch and she’d have seen nothing but the dishes. Her guilt and bad habit of continual self-sacrificing made her obsessive. And he grew tired of living with Mother Teresa. Some will say, why not help her with the dishes, but he did, and marriage is 50/50 we forget that. We by default, sympathize with the partner who’s working all the time. But “over doer’s” loose reality too. 50/50, in this case, could have been just that, one week on and off.
LEARN TO BE THE PARENT THAT SAYS NO
Parents as well, go far beyond what is practical. They are keepers of a giant castle called kiddy land. Between birthday parties, sports events, school activities, playdates, shopping, chaperones, chauffeurs, coaches, teachers, maids, chefs, friends, and for some parents it’s literally a nightmare schedule. When you sacrifice your own interest to the degree you have no interests, that’s too far.
When We Don’t Give to Ourselves We Harm The Ones We Love
I can vouch for this. I did this very thing at one period in my life and my son began worrying so much he was unable to sleep. When I realized that he needed to see me take better care of myself I was surprised that I’d missed such an obvious thing. He likes to see me dress up and go out, eat out and let someone else cook, spend a little on myself, or take a break in any way. Working myself to the bone stresses him.
I knew a woman in her 80’s who had three children and they grew up quite poor. She’d lost her husband when the three were pre-teens. The children told a story about a time they worked diligently to buy her an outfit. Proudly they wrapped and gave it to her. She was grateful, but she returned it and put the money back into the household needs. Her children told many stories of her selfless acts that continued throughout their childhood until the oldest divorced his wife. She couldn’t live with a man who didn’t see her value. He rarely treated her to gifts or outings. He’d grown up with a mother who taught him that wives and moms didn’t need it, didn’t want it. When I spoke with him, he was surprised to learn that he never took his mother’s actions to return her gifts as generous, he took them to say he’d done the wrong thing. He was wrong to give.
So, this means caring about yourself as much as you do others is as important. If you saw a friend whithering away — wasting their life, you’d run to help. Take a close look at your life and ask yourself. When was the last time I let someone take care of me?
Do you let others help?
Write down the account of the last time you let someone take care of you. If this happens often, that’s okay, still write down. But, if it was your birthday and you had to cook your own breakfast, that doesn’t count as a birthday breakfast because you are better at pancakes.
Notes:
- Standford Business, Marguerite Rigoglioso, Francis Flynn: If You Want Something, Ask For It
