Every moment of every date you go on, without realizing it, your actions tell a story to that person sitting across the table from you. Being honest about who we are to most feels like a death sentence. Lies are created to give enough time to get past the first few dates. But does it really work? No. Here’s how to use honesty and win.
How many first dates have you gone on that went remarkably well, but never progressed? How many times have you sat and wondered what went wrong? The pain of ambiguous loss hurts us deeply.
But think about this, how many dates have you gone where you yourself felt an unease with the person across from you? Yet the date itself was not bad. I’m sure plenty. It’s our ability as humans to sense lies without understanding it.
Why do we lie so much? Who wants to admit failure to a stranger? Especially in a world that judges us according to our accomplishments, not our abilities. Every successful person has failed over and over before the big win, but in relationships, failure means you’re not worth spending time with. So, we fib and create lies that give us a chance to get to know someone before we lower the bomb.
When you are honest even when you think it will look bad, it brings out the great you.
If your core is based on honesty, your default reactions and emotions are confident – and honesty makes you more attractive without effort. If you have deceptions of any kind, that’s another story. With that in mind, below are 7 reasons why honesty makes you more attractive and how even innocent dishonesty changes the game.
If your core is for any reason not entirely honest, the person sitting across the table sees it, feels it, or senses it – whether that be unknowingly or through wise evaluations. These feelings can take a minute or months to come to light, but they are there. Relationships rise or fall according to the “attractive” meeter based on things you might not even know are happening.
When honesty is embraced, it puts an end to the endless seeking, the ever need to fill a void and “lonely” stalks someone else. Finally, you don’t give a fuck if someone returns your affection or not, because if they don’t, it’s not the end of you – and caring takes precedent for what feels right over simply filling a need. Suddenly, you become the person that others envy or desire. And it all happened because you mastered honesty.
Honesty is a fundamental component of our core relationship credibility. We are defined by it
likean invisible curse or blessing.
It’s not just the obvious that defines us.
Does this ring a bell? If a woman takes 6 hours to get ready for a date and then cringes if you touch her hair – she’s Facebooking pictures of herself only in perfect mode, does it define her?
When a man rolls out the red carpet for his girlfriend as the attentive and caring lover, but mysteriously can’t visit when she’s sick, does it define him?
And, if getting laid is the most important factor in dating, does it define who we are?
Less obvious things are also obvious – things we take for granted, like fear of being ourselves. Fear of not deserving love and success. Narcissism is not the only negative thing we can spot and define openly. Everything we feel, say, project, and focus on defines us. It’s tough to hide the things under our skin, and therefore, when we are not “confidently honest” we appear dishonest. And by all rights, we are deceiving, therefore, lowering the “attractive” meeter.
“Confidently honest” means, we are ourselves, we don’t fear our faults. The fact we own 15 cats, or have 5 motorcycles in the garage, 10 guitars hidden away, or were born with one less toe, is okay. We are who we are and proud of it – but in the same breath, confidently honest people naturally, openly admit who will be attracted to them and why.
We all know that story of someone, a nice person, intelligent, with a decent job who has a kind of “ranting tendency” and never stops talking about an ex. After 15 years or more of single life, they continue to claim it’s by choice-yet fall in love by the third date at least twice a year. I’ve seen it over and over -but relationship madness can be turned around, just by taking a course in honesty. It’s a simple matter of seeking what suits you by being yourself. If motorcycles are your thing, then for fuck sake, don’t date the same type of girls over and over again who can’t mess up her hair.
How others receive us is proportional to how much we respect ourselves. Honesty makes us feel great! Look great! Appear worthy – and the “attractive” meeter rises because honesty makes you more attractive!
Here are a few examples of how honestly affects us and those around us physically and mentally. Remember, honesty works the same in business as it does for romantic relationships, friendships, and so on. There is a pattern for all things in life.
Reason # 1
Honesty holds others accountable.
Honesty not only grows our character, it holds others accountable for their behavior without words. It’s a challenge, and who doesn’t love a challenge? We are attracted to those who push us to grow our own characters. To become better people in general. The secret to relationships/marriage is progress through honesty, successful growth, communication, and respect.
We’ve all experienced the date where we’re totally relaxed. We’re alert, we smile. The person is honest, so we want to be as well. Freedom challenges us to rise, learn, grow, smile, seek and so on. All through the date, there’s a kind of “I’m okay” feeling – an “excited to be alive” feeling. That’s what a healthy challenge feels like that stems from being honest. If you have this kind of “attractive” meeter going on, amigos, you’re enjoying a field of four-leaf clovers. You’re living the Honesty Makes You More
Trust is critically important—because we all need that inner connection to get through the good and bad times that come with a relationship, marriage, or even a deep friendship.
Reason # 2 Honesty solves problems
Honesty Solves problems – and problem-solving is what we, humans, do naturally. We need companionship, and instinctively we seek—but in our
Honesty has a natural way of alerting you when you’re overdoing it, hence, the “problem” meeter and your default reaction is to relax naturally. Honesty verifies to the person sitting across from you that you are real. Now, it’s up to you to prove that the initial feeling is indeed the real you. How does it work? When we are honest, we don’t hide things, in beautiful confidence we naturally flow, we laugh more, smile more, are generous, friendlier. All of these things scream “real” to that person staring deep into your eyes.
Romantic intuition is not a myth or a creepy sixth sense. It is based on previously-formed knowledge gained throughout your own personal development. And we have more of it than we realize.
Yes, Don Juan characters project confidence that pulls their victim close. There are always con artists. Nothing is full proof – but who gives a shit what the Don Juans do in the world, you are you.
The old saying, “Go with your gut,” is basically to trust what feels honest — our gut shapes our brains, moods, behavior, and feelings. When we are honest, our body language changes, our stomach relaxes. And the stomach, my friend, is the central energy for every function we have. Why are you relaxed with your best friend? Because you can be honest. Best friends are on a volunteer basis, best friends are not there because they must, and perfection is discouraged. It’s win-win. Be this way on a first date, and everything good about you becomes Spiderman big!
Reason # 3
Honest draws respect.
Honesty Draws Respect, and that is attractive. Look at Danny DeVito — he’s not Top Model, but who the heck doesn’t respect him? It makes you want to love him. No matter who you are, what you look like, or how much you make, if you learn the ins and outs of honesty, your “attraction” meter rises the more respected you are.
I know, it’s true, men are visual creatures and that okay too. But if a woman becomes knows as less than honest, so does the “attractive” meter fall. The “Honesty makes you more attractive” applies to the male reasoning just as much as a woman. It doesn’t’ mean sex is out with Miss Gorgeous, but long-term, that’s another story because men are just as smart as us females.
I could go into how acids form in the stomach. How it will creep up the throat when stressed and so on, but I’m a writer, not a doctor, I write from experience, research, and communication. But I do know – when the stomach is calm, we look and react differently – and The American Psychological Association, in Washington, D.C., states that lying less is linked to better health.
We (men and women) are all flawed. But it’s really okay. Our flaws are only bad when we use them deceptively, and that hurts us more than others.
Some men buy big cars to look respected. Does it work? Yep, and nope. Initially, the impressive view twists the female minds, but I’ve found, it’s usually just a nice guy with an expensive car. Cars do get dates, but do they manage relationships? Yep and nope again.
A woman creates a set of rules to prove her wholeness and appear lily-white to attract the car. She even curves her appetite by not eating or drinking much. “Don’t want to be known as a lush or a pig.”
I’ve come to respect the effort men and women go to rather than judge it. The pain on both sides suck, but it’s not new. And it’s probably been going on in one form or another since man picked up a stick. “Mines bigger.”
Back to curving the appetite. I can’t tell you how many dates I’ve been on where men grinned the whole time watching me eat and drink as if they’d never seen it. Not kidding. I didn’t shovel it down like a cartoon, that’s not what I mean. I mean, “When on a date it’s time for fun, and a restaurant means time to break bread, be yourself, and eat not just lust after it.”
Honesty is an endpoint we achieve. But there is no final goal. Think of it as a process of improvement. And it’s nothing less than a magnet with a domino effect. When we are less than honest, even for the smallest reason, nervousness reveals itself in creepy subtle ways. Does this sound familiar:
Beth and Mr. Maserati
Beth is excited to meet Mr. Maserati and he, The Lily White Princes.
With eyebrows raised, Mr. M notices Lily is uncomfortable. She’s been sneaking peeks at another dude when he wasn’t looking.
Lily squirms over her salad, knowing the dude across the room, recognizes her from Save The Tree Foundation. “Mr. Maserati will think I’m nuts if I tell him I spent 8 hours chained to a tree with a stranger!”
“Why is she so nervous? God, not another drama case.”
A Perfect BBQ Date -But Wait The Car!
Christian meets Jennifer for the first time at a BBQ place. He notices she’s gorgeous right off. And she sighs relief that he’s not 20 years older than his online profile picture.
The date goes well, she thinks he’s a possibility. He’s open, funny, and they’ve been laughing. She’s feeling a second date is coming.
He walks her to her car and twitches nervously as he passes his beloved classic. “Nice car,” she thinks, noticing as they stroll past- but he imagines she’ll hate it. Choosing to impress her over being himself, his true self runs for cover, but his honesty is fucked. He’s paralyzed in a 2-second decision of what will impress her more. “That one’s mine,” Christian says, debating honesty.
She’s intelligent and kind and gorgeous… does she want the guy with a fancy car?. “I thought about buying a new one, but haven’t yet,” he blurts out, “I could, but I didn’t. It’s not that old, but it’s not that I can’t buy one. I have a great job. I would —- buy a new one. What do you think, Jen, should I? Or is this one okay? You. You know I hate new things, umm, I don’t mean new things, ya know. Well, I could. I think I’ll get a new one this month.”
Jen stares at him a second. Awkward!
Reason # 4
Being vulnerable is the dopamine of dating.
Vulnerability brings out the protector in all of us. It’s the dopamine of dating. To be vulnerable is essentially honesty – and it’s a magical drug to your partner.
Think about it. You’re sitting at a table looking at your date, whether this would be your first or 50th date. If that person shows any level of vulnerability, don’t you want to protect them? That feeling right there is staying power.
Each one of us has weaknesses that we protect with walls. Confidence lowers vulnerabilities when we are honest. And again, looking at someone for the first time or one-hundredth knowing they don’t give a fuck what others think— that what you see is what you get, is that not ultra-attractive?
The way vulnerability affects our body, in this case, is that we shine. Christian walks Jen to her car. “That one’s mine, love that car.” If Jen doesn’t like the car now, she won’t 10 months from now either. Honesty doesn’t just make you more attractive; it saves time. Who wants to waste time on someone not right for us?
Reason # 5 Honesty means free lives
in the dating game
Building trust is like alcohol in that it captivates us when we’re in its presence. It’s that fun, happy, youthful intoxicating feeling. The one that feels like it’s been there forever even after only an hour.
The date that generates trust creates a space and time continuum of pause. In other words, if you have that initial attraction to go out on a date, and trust becomes their aura, relaxation is a given? What makes two people love the other? The fact they can be themselves is top on the list. If you are comfortable, they become your happy place, and you’ve just scored free lives in the dating game, which equates to time getting to know someone. So, not only does honesty make you more attractive, it extends your opportunity!
Reason # 6 Demonstrates a genuine
experience of authenticity.
It demonstrates a genuine experience of authenticity. Similar to that would be an almost religious feeling of completely submissive effect. The pure excitement of genuine intent creates a sense of safety – your putty – ready to give your life over to someone.
The opposite example would be the date that shows up, and you don’t recognize them. Their online pictures are 20 years old, and they are a foot shorter. But the moment you look at a date, and he or she matches the online representation, not only are you relaxed, you view them even higher than expected.
It’s simple psychology. If a guy lies about his height. “I’m 5’10, and he’s 5’8 without shoes. He’s a midget now in her eyes, and in turn, he as well, deep down, feels uncomfortable. “Does she know I’m a liar?” Talk about counter-intuitive while on a first date. If he doesn’t lie and she likes him even in the slightest. He’s fucking just right in her mind.
Women form attraction based on more than first sight attributes. They are watching everything. Genuine means, safe to a woman, fun, reliable, and again the treasured SAFE. It’s just part of the “attractive” meeter.”
Reason # 7 Honesty has a future by default.
Honesty automatically allows us to consider the future. And dating relies on seeing a garden at the end of the tunnel. Like a Las Vegas slot machine win: ding ding ding! Satisfied first dates lead to future dates.
The feeling that someone is honest, along with the slightest attraction is appealing to our natural desire for long-term relationships.
One of the hardest things these days is keeping the door open long enough to get to know someone. We live in a disposable world. We judge the person in front of us within a few seconds of meeting them. It’s not the most efficient, fair, or most effective method of truth. Time is key. Honesty near guarantees yet another free life in the dating game. Honesty makes you more attractive, but also more reasonable and understanding. Honesty is a reality that brings us down to earth!
Our stomachs really matter.
We all, at times, feel we are honest, even if we are not entirely. When around those of high integrity, it inspires us not only to relax but has a relatable connection; we relax too.
Relatable experiences lower the wall of defense and lessen our fears, as spoke about above. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not being understood or judged. It solves problems, and one of the biggest is the nerves. When relaxed, our stomach relaxes, the dinner tastes wonderful. The wine is perfect, and our date smells great. These biological effects have superhero strength on any relationship in all its stages.
Tips on how to be yourself
- First, smile and just be you. I know that’s said and done in every article, but it’s true, my friends.
- Make a list of the things you know you embellish, lie about, avoid, worry about, and don’t like about yourself. (Take my course on Being Yourself – look for it on-line in 2020. All courses are free to subscribing members of my blog.) To get started, take your list and work on one area at a time. You will need to practice honesty. Start by talking to yourself, claim your new self and practice by talking to friends, a counselor, coach, and so on about the changes you want to make and why.
- Don’t worry, you’re not alone. We all have done it. None of us are proud of it.
- Ask yourself why it matters that you’re not honest about that missing thumb on your left hand. Or you’re afraid to tell your date you’re allergic to 12 different things. Perhaps you’re bipolar, claustrophobic, get bored quickly, snort weirds sounds due to a nasal issue, hate crowds, would rather be home cooking than dining out, maybe you get anxiety around rubber bands? Don’t laugh.
If the love of your life sits across the table from you, it’s your first date, that love will know what to do in some weird twist. So, why deny them the opportunity to be a super person, they won’t have that chance with someone perfect.
Whatever your thing is. Take the list you’ve made and ask yourself if hiding any of who you are, will or has benefited you, or will or has created a cycle of fake. The big charade with “fake” is that it has so little to do with positive success and everything to do with why you’re alone. Honesty makes you more attractive and it won’t matter what your “thing” is, it will lead you to that one who loves your “thing.”
More about “faking.”
Faking things for the junkies become a kind of acceptance that can become so real you become it, but it’s not real; therefore, you don’t reap the benefit from it. You actually lose the benefit of the real talent that fake distorts in the process. It’s what cost you. It’s what stops you. If you are fake, you will draw fake people to you. More fake.
I’m sure this is not the goal? I’m sure you know it. I bet when you look at your list, you feel it and know what’s right. You simply think you need faking something to get the goal. “Fake” is good for one-night stands. This article is not up that alley. “Fake” is good for a year. How many relationships go a whole year on fake? Lots.
You are who you are, you are important, and someone out there’s gonna love you, but how will they find you when you hanging out on the nudist beach when you’re a bikini kind of soul. You’ll just end up with the wrong person, again and again, and again. And in reality, your worst fear realized isn’t that bad!
Breathing to learn.
Sit with your list and imagine being loved just for who you are. Practice breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, imagining being honest and not giving a shit what anyone thinks of you.
Your strength will become more significant, and suddenly you’re at a better advantage. But this takes time, and small steps (Become a member and get access to all courses. Superpower Habits is suggested for those who want to create better habits) will help and plan on at least a few months of effort. Every person you meet will be one step closer to you. Introduce your real self to them and see how it goes.
A true story to remember.
I had a client who started dating women he knew he’d never want a future with. It was his “practice time” learning how to be honest. For him honesty was, he’d never get married, never live together, wanted only to see his lover 2-3 times a week and he’d be generous, loyal and loving.
He was a successful and super handsome man, who without doubt, was Don Juan, but he was not a player, he loved deeply. His “thing” was OCD, he was a true germaphobe – and incapable of a normal relationship, so he thought.
The man attracted women like a superhero – and they loved him. He usually left relationships on
That said, one day he woke up a 55-years old man and lonely. He didn’t have a desire to change his rules, he simply was tired of “fake” it was fucking to much work. It was now optimal for a woman to know, agree, and accept him for it.
I’d coached women on the other end with equal “fake.” It took him a few months to get the hang of if – and he did find the woman he desired. An ex! The point of the story is, the ex knew the whole time. She grew tired of that “uneasy” feeling one gets from less than honest relationships. She didn’t know what it was exactly that bothered her, regardless that she nailed it knowing he was a germaphobe. His dishonesty left holes in a simple conclusion, therefore, she lost her attraction to him when she broke off their relationship.
But the day he called her with an invitation to catch up over drinks, she agreed and one thing led to another when he revealed to her how his lessons on honesty were going. Ten years were wasted -but on the other hand, honesty is what brought them together now for a lifetime of commitment. The funny thing was, she had a similar problem as a perfectionist and that’s why she understood his obsessions.
Back to breathing. I know, some feel breathing is a joke, and maybe it doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s kind of cool and does relax the body. Take a deep breath through your nose – deep enough to stretch your lungs. With real effort, feel the honesty in you as you breathe out through your nose. The relaxed idea of goodness will leave a comfortable sensation as you breathe. It can be felt like cool air through your nose continuing towards the back of your head, then to your neck – and all the way down your spine, relieving pressures in your body.
Honesty: It’s cool – it’s confident – it’s the way we all should be – it’s natural. Natural is sexy, attractive, safe, fun, and long-lasting. Honesty makes you more attractive.
- Aaron Ben-Zeev Ph.D., How’s Your Romantic Intuition?
- PENN STATE PSYCH 424 blog, Honesty
- Dr. Anita E Kelly, Lying Less Linked to Better Health, New Research Finds
- Aaron Ben-Zeev Ph.D., University of Haifa, Israel, Love
- The Honest Guys – Meditations – Relaxation (Subscription has a price)